the missing link~

So, I been meaning to write this for a while.

Get some ice tea, this is going to be a long ride.

Much like Paul Kellerman (Also known as K-man, played by Paul Adelstein on Prison Break) I’ve had a change of heart.

Allow me to elaborate on this: Kellerman’s character was EVIL INCARNATED. The perfect soldier according to his own words, however (if you are still watching PB, please stop reading, major spoilers ahead) when he’s left for dead, and realizes that all the choices he made, all the stuff he ever did for his country were wrong and never left him anything, he was devastated.

Now, I’m not an SS agent bent on revenge, but I can’t help but to see some sort of bizarre image of my previous self on his well played character: nobody likes to be wrong, I never liked being wrong, in fact I WAS NEVER WRONG. Notice how I just said WAS.

So yeah, a lot like Kellerman I always believed that I was doing the right thing at all times (maybe It was, at times) and since nobody ever proved me wrong, I always did things the way I felt they were right. So since I was never wrong, I never made any wrong choices or made mistakes, This demi-god I used to be hurted a bunch of innocent (and not so innocent) people. Some of them deserved it, some didn’t. But what’s done is done. There’s nothing we can do to change what we’ve done, past present or even future. If you happen to know a guy by the name Emmett L. Brown, please give me a call.

On a more serious note, what I can do is make my ammends, try to set things right and go with the flow. Now, I have been giving this a lot of thought, I mean, why did I ever believe I was some sort of demi-god? I am no judge, I know that now. So, I been thinking on what could be wrong with me, and I came up with this idea that something was not right at all with me, and a concept sprung in my head: Hero Complex. Now, as ridiculous as it might sound, this thing actually exists and people suffer from it (I am the living proof) the wikipedia article states the following:

The Hero Complex is a compulsion to help others and make the world right. Although not officially considered a disorder or disease, there is an increasing number of people who ‘suffer’ from it. Many fictitious heroes and main characters seem to have this as well, but note that there is a difference between helping others out of choice and feeling compelled to. It may also be associated with Zoological Altruism- Instinctive cooperative behavior that is detrimental to the individual but contributes to the survival of the species.

This might explain, somehow, why my moral compass was so fucked. For example: I’ve neglected friendships over the most simple things when I felt that I was right on something and the other person was simply wrong. I’ve got my fair share of issues with trust, and the worst part is that most of the time I was right. But then again there were times when I was totally and completely wrong.

The hero complex idea came to me in the last 3 months, an emotional breakdown, depression and family issues kind of “helped” me see the real problem: My uncle (actually my grandpa’s brother, but he’s like an uncle to me) a man that has been in my life since I was little, the one who brought me candy and took me to his beach house (it was always nice to see the ships come and go by from there) has cancer, he’s been a smoker for his entire life and this cancer threatens his life, chances are he might die, we all know that and we know that at some point we will be following him. In the past few months we needed blood donors for an intervention, and get this: I did anything within my power to get thos donors, I donated, I got friends to donate, I called in all the favors I could, I even contemplated traveling to get blood off friends in other states (I researched and got permission on how to do it from the blood bank) to no avail, because doctors are all a bunch of pussies and fear he might die during the intervention. He’s being treated right now, and well, we all know how that’s going to end.

Why did I do all that? You might think “wow this guy is a great human being” well, you are all in for a big surprise: I love my uncle, but I did all that just because I didn’t want him to die, I wanted to prove myself to be right again, a hero before everybody else (no people in my family were paying attention to him, sides my mom and my aunt, and of course my grandpa) I know, it sounds kinda selfish, but this time it was for a good reason.

So, yeah, That’s how I realized the problem I had. I’m real sensitive sometimes, but most of the time, according to Sean’s essay on social distortion “tries to portray himself as a rock of unemotion and tries to set himself apart from attachment.” which is, true. Even tho he was not speaking of me, but I saw myself in that sentence.

Like I said, I’ve had a change of heart, I’ve welcomed back some people I kept away for a long time, my life feels different, It is different, Last night I was thinking of somebody that I neglected about 2 years ago from my life and I haven’t crossed a single word with her in eons. Today I had a message from her in my Google talk. Isn’t that…creepy?

Anyway, enough rambling for today, I’ve got at least 3 more posts in my head about stuff. And I even wrote a meme, I’ll post those later this week.

Thanks for reading~

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 28th, 2007 at 1:15 AM and is filed under Personal Stuff. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.