the missing link~

So I was hiking and suddenly, out of nowhere I was feeling blue. Blue because of well, guilt. Guilt for not doing the stuff I was supposed to do. And of course I cling to the (childish) idea of me doing those things in the past and making things right. I know that even if I did the stuff I was supposed to do (in the past) in the end, the outcome would still be the same. Still I like to torture myself with the infamous “what if”. I still try to make amends and do the things I was supposed to do. But I guess I can’t improve on my previous mistakes. Can I?

Basically I know that it won’t change a thing if I did it or not, but the guilt is something I still carry and I have no way to get rid of it. Maybe there is but I still haven’t found it. There must be a way around it.

That’s the downside of being me I guess. Having this badass memory is such a bad thing. I will keep reminding myself of the mistakes I’ve made and how (maybe?) I could have fixed them. I end up being my very own judge and jury. And a damn good one at it.

Anyway, this comes straight from Dexter. And it really hit the nail: “Sins may be forgiven, but conscience is a killer.”

I can hardly wait to watch the new season and keep relating to a fictional serial killer. Of course I relate at the “how he relates to other people” level not at the “how I’m going to chop someone to pieces” level. Those are two different train of thoughts I think. And I’m not a serial killer. I think.

Anyway. I’m going to let this blog act like the ghost of a foster father that is Harry to Dexter. I need some good sense beaten into me.

I gotta stop thinking random crap when I’m hiking. Hiking is supposed to relax me, not make me sad.

I guess that’s all for now.

Cheers.

(thank you Google cache!)