the missing link~

You know. I’m naturally a lucky guy, I’ll give it that much. I don’t want to brag about it or anything really. I’ve come to terms with it, my luck that is. I’ve learned to acknowledge it and let it run it’s course. And so far it has worked. Worked pretty well if I might add.

Thing is, with all the bad things I’ve done and well, stuff there’s so much karma left for me to pay. But once in a while it seems like I’m good enough to pay my dues with the karma police and have some good karma for a change. See, that’s my luck, aren’t you glad I’m a lucky guy? I know I am.

So this is what this post is about. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. August is a good month for me. Karma and luck wise. This year was no different.

I can only hope that if the karma police is really looking, they’ll give me a good enough chance to prove em that I’ve paid my debts. That I’m good to go. That I will be okay. I’ll make things right.

And it’s quite scary, you know? this whole thing. I don’t get scared easily. But I’m scared. Really am.

I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. I just know that I’m scared. Scared enough to accept it but not so shocked by it to stand still. I’m moving forward. I’m scared but willing to make it right. I’m willing to make amends with myself and my karma.

So, here’s to you. To us. Good luck to both of us.

Cheers~

So, I was watching “The Ghost Writer” earlier today:

852
01:02:21,251 –> 01:02:23,515
-Are you married?
-Certainly not.

853
01:02:23,586 –> 01:02:25,611
-Gay?
-No.

854
01:02:26,456 –> 01:02:29,220
-Did you have a.. .
-l had a.. . Um.. .

855
01:02:29,292 –> 01:02:32,420
-What? Girlfriend?
-Well, a bit more than that.

856
01:02:32,495 –> 01:02:33,826
Partner?

857
01:02:34,631 –> 01:02:35,996
A bit less than that.

858
01:02:36,066 –> 01:02:37,897
l don’t know,
40,000 years of human language

859
01:02:37,967 –> 01:02:40,128
and there’s no word
to describe our relationship.

860
01:02:40,203 –> 01:02:41,397
lt was doomed.

I just love how “The Ghost” explains his past relationship. That’s just the way I have been looking for to explain my past relationship. If you can call that a relationship that is.

I’m unable to explain what happened, what exactly was going us between us. I mean, she’s epic and I’m me. I would be a fool (I know, I’m a fool) just for trying to figure this out. However is one of those fun things I do (replace fun with “constant torture”) and it’s the kinda thing that I think about every time I look at my reflection in a mirror.

I constantly ask myself: what the fuck was that? really?

So, just like “The Ghost” said, in 40,000 years of human language there’s no word to describe our relationship.

You know that glass of wine I had yesterday? cheers to you, dear. To whatever we had back then.

Read the rest of this entry »

So I was hiking and suddenly, out of nowhere I was feeling blue. Blue because of well, guilt. Guilt for not doing the stuff I was supposed to do. And of course I cling to the (childish) idea of me doing those things in the past and making things right. I know that even if I did the stuff I was supposed to do (in the past) in the end, the outcome would still be the same. Still I like to torture myself with the infamous “what if”. I still try to make amends and do the things I was supposed to do. But I guess I can’t improve on my previous mistakes. Can I?

Basically I know that it won’t change a thing if I did it or not, but the guilt is something I still carry and I have no way to get rid of it. Maybe there is but I still haven’t found it. There must be a way around it.

That’s the downside of being me I guess. Having this badass memory is such a bad thing. I will keep reminding myself of the mistakes I’ve made and how (maybe?) I could have fixed them. I end up being my very own judge and jury. And a damn good one at it.

Anyway, this comes straight from Dexter. And it really hit the nail: “Sins may be forgiven, but conscience is a killer.”

I can hardly wait to watch the new season and keep relating to a fictional serial killer. Of course I relate at the “how he relates to other people” level not at the “how I’m going to chop someone to pieces” level. Those are two different train of thoughts I think. And I’m not a serial killer. I think.

Anyway. I’m going to let this blog act like the ghost of a foster father that is Harry to Dexter. I need some good sense beaten into me.

I gotta stop thinking random crap when I’m hiking. Hiking is supposed to relax me, not make me sad.

I guess that’s all for now.

Cheers.

(thank you Google cache!)

Okay el asunto va algo asi:

Venia en el taxi hoy pensando en las clases que habia recibido en el curso (actualizacion de plataforma de windows 2003 a windows 2008) y el profesor haciendo una analogia de un tema de TECNOLOGIA dijo algo como: “tienes que ponerte un limite, un parametro. donde esta la raya? imaginate que estas enamorado, tu determinas que estas enamorado de la caraja porque aja dices que hiciste tal, tal y cual por la caraja, alli defines y dices verga! si, estoy enamorado“.

Aun cuando era una analogia resultado de una discusion natural de un peo de tecnologia (thin clients if you must know) me quede marcando ocupado pa japon. Me quede pensando: wait a minute, am I really in love with this girl? Y la respuesta no es MAYBE. Es muy seguramente YES DUDE.

Read the rest of this entry »

Well hi there. Don’t know how many of you are actually still reading this. Oh well, Never wrote anything meaningful for you guys, this blog is all me, all the time.

Anyway. In case you wanted to know, I’m still alive and well, I was actually avoiding to write, not because I have plenty of time to (waste?) do so (let’s face it: when you really want to do something you’ll make it happen no matter what) but because between late November and early December were dates that I REALLY wanted to avoid, and if I was to write something here I will end up rambling again about those dates, and that’s a cycle I want to break. Just writing this makes me feel stupid.

Both dates have a birthday in common. If you are curious enough you can check the entries from last year and find how sucky early December was for me last year. But it did taught me my lesson. It was fun. Lesson learned.

I don’t know if I’ve said this here but 2010 is a year I’m eagerly awaiting but, unlike his past dead brothers, I’m expecting him with little to no expectations. Zero hopes. No plans.

I want this upcoming year to be different from all the prior years. I want to get rid (and I’ve been at it, for real) of things, people, memories and what not that are just unneeded baggage. People that will only look up at you when they actually need something from you, things that serve no purpose anymore, mementos of memories that are long gone. That’s the kind of things I’m doing. I’m not interested in elementary or high school reunions.

The past should stay where it is. In the past. There’s nothing but learning experiences there. No good, no bad. Just memories of past times. As I was reading FML today, one of the posts said something like this “an ex is an ex for a reason” so it kinda applies for everything if not all: if someone is not in your present, it’s because it belongs to the (distant) past and that’s where it should (and will) stay.

Read the rest of this entry »