the missing link~

Well hi there. Don’t know how many of you are actually still reading this. Oh well, Never wrote anything meaningful for you guys, this blog is all me, all the time.

Anyway. In case you wanted to know, I’m still alive and well, I was actually avoiding to write, not because I have plenty of time to (waste?) do so (let’s face it: when you really want to do something you’ll make it happen no matter what) but because between late November and early December were dates that I REALLY wanted to avoid, and if I was to write something here I will end up rambling again about those dates, and that’s a cycle I want to break. Just writing this makes me feel stupid.

Both dates have a birthday in common. If you are curious enough you can check the entries from last year and find how sucky early December was for me last year. But it did taught me my lesson. It was fun. Lesson learned.

I don’t know if I’ve said this here but 2010 is a year I’m eagerly awaiting but, unlike his past dead brothers, I’m expecting him with little to no expectations. Zero hopes. No plans.

I want this upcoming year to be different from all the prior years. I want to get rid (and I’ve been at it, for real) of things, people, memories and what not that are just unneeded baggage. People that will only look up at you when they actually need something from you, things that serve no purpose anymore, mementos of memories that are long gone. That’s the kind of things I’m doing. I’m not interested in elementary or high school reunions.

The past should stay where it is. In the past. There’s nothing but learning experiences there. No good, no bad. Just memories of past times. As I was reading FML today, one of the posts said something like this “an ex is an ex for a reason” so it kinda applies for everything if not all: if someone is not in your present, it’s because it belongs to the (distant) past and that’s where it should (and will) stay.

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Silencio.

Total lack of sound? Right.

Cryptic stuff after the cut. You have been warned.

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Ustedes pensaran que los estoy jodiendo con el titulo, pero no, el mas reciente strip de Tatsuya Ishida de Sinfest se llama asi (y este just cracked me up)

Por que digo esto? Pues …

Ahora, esto no es lo que nos trae aqui hoy. No.

Lo que nos trae aqui hoy es, *redoble de tambor* es el karma y regrets. Temas recurrentes en este blog y bueno, en mi vida.

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Hace exactamente diez minutos me puse a leer algo lo cual no tenia ni intencion de leer ni era lo que estaba buscando exactamente.

Y me hizo reir. Bastante! Que recuerdos tan…bonitos. Me rei especialmente con la parte de home edition y professional edition.

Hoy alguien me dijo en FB que a uno siempre todo tiempo pasado le parece mejor. Quizas hasta mas sencillo. No me habia dado cuenta lo divertido que era ser yo back then.

Cheers to you, my dear.

Today, I hit a milestone.

Exactly a year ago I had, hands down, the best date I could have, ever.

But somehow, that’s in the past now, in the very same distant past I’ve buried so many people. Some really deserve it. She doesn’t.

She taught me a lot about myself. And I thank her for that every single day. This might sound corny but I always think of her somehow. A couple weeks ago there was this creepy incident with fabricated memories I intended to discuss here. Maybe I will later on.

Now at this very point of my life I don’t feel bad, but I do feel strange about her: you see I called her a few days ago and…I didn’t feel a single thing. It was like I was dead inside (for her) and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. You see when we were together I always felt like I didn’t love her the way she deserved, or loved her enough, or god, I don’t know. I always put myself away from her, detached. I sabotaged myself, I set myself for break up since day one, just to avoid the pain and the sentiment that comes with it. It kinda worked, yes. But now I feel like a terrible person because I’ve walked on and left her behind. I feel bad because I don’t love her any more. And I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. So bottom line: I felt bad when I was with her and I feel bad now that I’m not with her. Sounds complex? Tell me about it.

So today is the day, the day I would hypothetically go back in time and fix this whole mess.

But since we all know that’s not gonna happen, I will just go on with my life.

It’s sad, I know. But “No Reservations” was a good movie. Die Hard 4 is on movie city right now. Oh the memories.

Anyway, about the fabricated memories incident: I’m at the movies, somebody offers me pizza, I gladly accept (nobody refuses free pizza, ever!) but the person handing me the pizza was her, not the one I was with. I swear to god I saw her, right there, feeding me pizza and making one of those witty remarks she always made when we were out. It was pretty fucking creepy.

And the other incident, I was buying some shoes to wear at work, and well, to make it short as I was in front of the mirror, there she was, complimenting me about my choice (actually I was deciding against my own choice here, which was odd) and then the saleswoman said something that she would have said. Might sound stupid yes but those two incidents freak me out.

I think that’s it for now. I’m sick, I’ve got the flu.